New Beginnings
by Holbyfan196993
Summary: A one shot following on from Chloe's attack
1. Chapter 1

Chloe sits on her mums sofa, legs curled underneath her. She is staring blankly at the wall, not realising how long she has been sat there. She keeps telling everyone she is numb but that's not true – she just doesn't know what she's feeling. In some ways she probably is numb, but then that all changes and the emotions come flooding back to her. It's like she has this hurricane inside of her – her emotions whipping round too fast to know what's happening. All she knows is it's destroying her. She's not sure how she will rebuild herself after this, maybe this is just one step too far.

Ange approaches her daughter, sitting down next to her slowly trying not to startle her. There is a flicker in Chloe's eyes as Ange touches her, she knows she is safe but she doesn't acknowledge her mother's presence. She just keeps staring.

Ange doesn't know what to do, the silence is the worst thing. She could deal with it if Chloe was screaming and shouting or crying. She could comfort her – but instead there is nothing.

She reaches out, takes her daughters hand in her own "Talk to me Chloe. I want to help you but I can't do that when I don't know what you're thinking."

Chloe finally turns to look at her, she blinks quickly. Her nose twitches and she clenches her jaw – an internal battle occurring in her head as she tries to vocalise what she needs to say. She opens her mouth but no words come out. Ange sits there patiently, waiting until she is ready. Chloe takes a deep breath and locks eyes with her mum – the first time they've had this true connection

"He raped me Mum. He forced himself onto me. I can't stop replaying it, when I close my eyes I can feel his weight on me." She runs her hands through her hair as she talks, anger seeping into her voice "I tried to block it out, I've tried to justify it. But I feel different mum. Like suddenly the world seems this big evil place and no matter what I do everything just feels so dark now." She shakes her head, laughing softly as the irony of the situation hits her "He always said to me that he would help me, that he would help me to feel whole again. He said that I didn't need to cut to stay in control anymore because he would help me. But he hasn't. He took all of that away, he took every ounce of control and he's broken me mum. I am…I can't…I don't know anything anymore. I am so unsure of it all. He has made me so unsure of everything."

Ange sighs as she rubs her daughters hand gently "You are so strong Chloe. Everything you are feeling is normal. You're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be confused – you're allowed to feel however you want. But you are going to feel better one day, he isn't going to take that away from you. You're going to get back to being that beautiful, bright, bubbly girl we all know. You've just got to allow yourself some time. It doesn't happen overnight" Ange pauses as she considers what she is going to say next. She's avoided talking about her own rape – not wanting Chloe to feel she was comparing their situations. But she doesn't know what else to do to help. She sits directly in front of Chloe "Back when…well you know _it _happened I was in pieces Chloe. I didn't move for weeks. Your grandmother would bring me food as I lay in bed and try and coax me into eating it but I couldn't. I could barely breathe let alone anything else. I felt like my entire existence had changed. I tried to rationalise it as just sex but it is so much more than that. I felt angry, but more than that I felt scared. Scared that there were people out there who would do things like that. I didn't know how to get back to being me again. I felt like a piece of me had been taken away and I would never get that back again. I didn't want to die but I didn't want to exist anymore either…I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted somebody to click their fingers and make it all better. At that time, I thought my life was over, I knew I had to carry on but I never thought I'd feel normal again – never thought I'd be happy again. I thought I was destined to just go through life, carrying out the motions and pretending to everyone that I was ok until I died and that was a terrifying thought. But, it got better. Now it's barely even a blip for me. I know it doesn't feel like it – I know right now everything is overwhelming and the world probably just feels too much right now, but it is going to get better. You just have to ride this out and one day you are going to look back and be _so proud_ of yourself, just like I'm so proud of you." Ange's own tears welled in her eyes, threatening to fall but she managed to blink them back – determined not to let her own emotions overshadow Chloe's. She had to be strong - strong enough for both of them right now.

Chloe looks down, fiddling with her hands "what changed?" she looks back up at her mum but it's obvious she doesn't understand what her daughter was asking her so Chloe tries again "What was the first thing that kicked you back into showering and eating and having a life rather than just existing?"

Ange smiled gently at her daughter "You. I realised that to give you a fighting chance I had to look after myself. But I quickly realised that no matter how bad it felt at that time, I knew I would have a future. That we would have a future. That was so worth fighting for and you'll find your thing Chloe – the thing that makes you want to live, that makes you feel even that tiny bit better. But you have to let yourself feel everything before you can even attempt to get better. You can't push all of these emotions down. It's hard to be numb but it's even harder to allow yourself to feel everything. But that's the first step towards healing. Letting yourself acknowledge what happened to you – and then how that made you feel"

Chloe bit her lip as she listened carefully to her mum, nodding slightly to show she understood "I just feel that this is just another thing…another thing that I can't cope with that everyone else can. Maybe I'm just not compatible with this life, maybe I was never meant for this world."

Ange shook her head fiercely – the maternal instinct kicking in "No! Don't you ever think that, you have been through so much but you are still here – surviving it all. That's a true fighting instinct and that proves that not only are you _compatible_ with this life but you are going to thrive in it. Yes, this is awful – yes this will change you but that doesn't mean it's a bad change. You will be stronger and more resilient. I promise you, this isn't the end – this is just the start of a new beginning for you."


	2. Chapter 2

30 years ago - Ange

She tries to lift herself up out of the bed but as soon as she sits up the nausea surges through her – she gags loudly and covers her mouth with her hand as she sprints to the bathroom. She tries to fight the ongoing waves of sickness but it is no use, eventually she gives up and lays limply on the floor. Finally, when she feels like she can stand up without vomiting she moves back to her bedroom and hides herself away in bed again – deciding to skip school since she's ill.

She pulls out her diary and begins to write quickly in it, it's the only way of coping right now. She can't talk to anyone about the attack – she can't stand their pity and they don't understand what she is saying anyway. Her mum thinks she is depressed but Ange knows she isn't – she simply doesn't care for life anymore. She feels like an empty shell. She sees everyone looking at her and seeing the same person they've always known but that's not how she feels anymore. She doesn't feel like herself. She feels like her personality has been forever changed, she will never be that carefree girl again who believes that everyone has some good in them. As she writes her eyes begin to flutter closed, she has been so fatigued at the moment she can barely make it through the day without a nap.

She wakes up as the front door slams shut. She hears her mum moving about downstairs, then banging around in the kitchen. Ange's heart sinks and she realises this will be the daily battle with food. Her mum is worried about her – scared that she isn't eating and that she is spiralling out of control but Ange knows better. She just doesn't have an appetite anymore. She doesn't have the energy or the inclination to eat. Even when she does feel she can face food it all smells funny or tastes different. The attack has changed every part of her and the home cooked meals she always used to love now just serve as a reminder of another pleasure she has lost.

She heaves herself up and stomps downstairs. Her mum looks her up and down as she enters the kitchen. She sighs as she sees the dirty clothes and her messy hair – as the realisation hits that Ange once again hasn't left the house today. She continues to chop the vegetables up and decides to raise the topic with her daughter "Angel, you need to try and get back to school. They've said you can do half days to ease back into it but I think it's time now. Time to try and get some normality back." She busies herself and she chats – attempting to keep the conversation light and non-confrontational. Ange doesn't feel that way though. The frustration builds up inside her "Unless you can click your fingers and turn back time that's not possible mum, I'm never going to be normal again. I can't just go back to school and pretend this never happened – pretend I can play that happy teenage girls with all my friends. Nobody understands it, I don't have a future anymore. What's the point of acting like I do?" She turns to walk out the kitchen, hiding the tears that have slipped down her cheeks "I don't have the energy to do anything right now. I just need to sleep!"

These outbursts scared her, she had always been moody – she knew that and tried to reign it in when she could but lately she couldn't control anything. She found herself crying all the time at the smallest things or screaming and shouting about things that wouldn't have ever bothered her before. It's like she was caught between feeling nothing and being overwhelmed with all of her emotions. It was all or nothing. She flicked between watching the world go by, not caring that she was missing out on it all and then being terrified that her life was over and she had no control anymore.

She sat on her bed, tv on but not really listening to it. She found herself spending more time staring into space than anything else now. She would come round and realise she hadn't moved for hours at a time. She didn't know what made her focus back in on the adverts playing from her tv but suddenly she couldn't look away. She watched as the man and woman smiled with glee as they stared at the pregnancy test they were hunched over. Her heart skipped a beat. Something clicked inside her. She couldn't be, could she? She tried to think about her last period but the days had all blurred into one. She didn't write them down and now her mind was too foggy to recall the exacts. But it had definitely been a couple of months. It was just stress. It had to be stress.

She laid there, thinking through all of her symptoms. The nausea, the vomiting, the headaches, the fatigue. All of it could be stress. Or it could be pregnancy. Deep down she knew. She knew her body and knew what was going on. Suddenly she couldn't wait to find out. She could practically feel her blood racing through her veins – sure there was this connection inside of her to some bean growing in her uterus. She grabbed her clothes, throwing them on quickly then shoving her hair into a messy ponytail. She crept down the stairs, desperate not to alert her mum. She closed the door as quietly as she could then raced down the streets – aiming for the 24 hour pharmacy outside of town where she knew nobody would recognise her. She didn't expect it to be this hard to be outside – for the world to be so scary. The darkness and the wind engulfed her and she became certain that somebody was following her – that something awful was going to happen. She practically ran the whole way there and back, knowing she had to push aside the fear so she could know for certain.

She finally got home and crept back up the stairs, heartrate slowly calming down as she realised she was safe – that she'd gone outside alone and nothing had happened. The world was still turning and life was going on. She locked the bathroom door behind her and attempted to unwrap the packages in front of her, her fingers shaking as she ripped them open. She read the instructions carefully – not wanting to risk getting it wrong and getting an invalid result. Then she waits. She counts down the seconds. She can't stand still, she paces up and down – chewing her nails nervously. Then she looks. Looks again. Looks at all 3 tests. All the same result – all positive. Big fat positives.

She sinks to her knees, shock taking over. How is she going to explain this? How is she going to manage raising this baby alone? How can she bring this baby into the world knowing that there is such evil out there? How can she change this world for her tiny bean? How can she give this baby everything it deserves? Does she have enough love inside of her to be both the mum and the dad?

The thought of not having this baby didn't even cross her mind. Instead, it was all about their future together. How it was going to be, how they were going to manage. She knew it wasn't this baby's fault, it didn't ask to be conceived like this. It didn't ask to be the product of the event that ruined Ange's life. That's when she knew, she didn't have a choice. She had to start this new life – a different future than she imagined but a brighter one than she ever could have dreamed for.

Maybe this was the thing to live for, the new beginning.


End file.
